


Underneath

by seda_0001



Series: Roses From Kiev [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Adommy, Kiev, M/M, We Are Glamily Tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 20:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seda_0001/pseuds/seda_0001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How a quiet afternoon full of fireworks in Kiev, turns into a busy evening with explosive volcanoes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Underneath

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. None of the events have necessarily happened in real life. I don’t own any of the real characters in the story.
> 
> I’ve quoted the songs “Underneath” “Runnin’” and “Aftermath” in this fiction. The credit to all those songs goes to one gorgeous Adam Lambert.
> 
> Please never tweet or share this fiction with Adam, Tommy, Sauli or Liz.
> 
> Special thanks to my wonderful beta I_glitterz for her patience. This is my first ever story in English so this whole thing couldn't happen without her <3
> 
> And tight hugs go to Adam's amazing girl @PersianGlamDr for her love and support <3
> 
> Contact me via twitter. I'm @SleepWalkerGlam

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s afternoon. One of those very quiet afternoons when even in a busy high class hotel, you can almost hear the silent whispers of emptiness. It’s like if you make the slightest move, you’d be disrespecting the world. That’s when a loud knock is heard on Tommy’s hotel room. And when he turns to the door, the sound is so unbelievable in the serene loneliness of his room, that he almost thinks he imagined it. Yet after a moment, he stands up from his chair by the window, and goes to the door.

“Yeah?”

For a second when he hears Tommy’s soft voice, Adam hesitates, regrets coming here. Returning to those feelings of self-doubt, of how this is stupid, and why is he here even? He should be in his own room now, sleeping the day off and relaxing his throat for the concert tomorrow. But instead he is here. Suddenly standing in front of Tommy’s door like a lost man, like he can’t go anywhere else, this is the only place he can be. And well, one second is too short to reconsider a decision and the door is open now, revealing Tommy, who looks like he really didn’t expect Adam to be there at all. Why should he expect him anyway? It’s been a long time since they’ve hung out.

Adam doesn’t remember the last time he and Tommy were alone in a room, just the two of them with no work to do, and things to discuss. Just being near each other, _Close_. But Tommy smiles, and his eyes become a night full of fireworks.

“Adam!?”

“Hey!” Adam smiles back, unable to help himself. Looking into his guitarist’s eyes. OH! When did Tommy become just his guitarist, and not his friend? He freezes for a moment and slaps himself inwardly. Tommy is his _friend_. He has always been. For nearly 4 years. And Adam always remembers that story. He brags on about it every night on stage, hinting on how people know Tommy from GlamNation and before. Tommy is not just his guitarist, far from it, he tells himself. Or if he is, Adam is going to fix that soon.

Tommy doesn’t seem to pick up on his reverie though, and turns around and goes inside while offering Adam to come in. Adam goes, hesitantly stepping into Tommy’s room, and it’s strange. It’s like he’s going somewhere that feels familiar, feels right to be there, but still it’s been so long, that he’s not sure what he’s doing.

It’s a common hotel room, with only small hints of its current occupant’s personality. With guitars standing on one side and a chair near the window where Tommy has obviously been sitting by a lot. Tommy loves watching people, watching the busy world.

Ha! Adam still knows Tommy. Tommy’s more than a guitarist for sure. While Adam steps near the chair absently, Tommy goes to the minibar, turning his head and asking, “Beer?”

Adam looks at him, watching the makeup-free beauty, who stares back at him.

“Yup. Thanks.” He smiles.

Feeling a slight calmness in himself for now, he goes and sits on the couch. Tommy tosses him the beer and sits on a chair in front of him, which makes Adam a bit disappointed because he knows Tommy’s scent is always warm and soothing. HE _KNOWS_! HE DID NOT REMEMBER THAT JUST NOW AT THE DOOR! He mentally kicks himself.

Tommy looks at Adam intently. He doesn’t know what to make of this. Why is Adam here? Something must be wrong. Maybe some new song on the set to rehearse or something. But Adam usually talks about that stuff in band rehearsals, not on a day off. Tommy knows whatever it is, it’s not going to be bad. He trusts Adam. Adam Always knows where he’s going. That’s why Tommy has chosen to go with him wherever he goes. It’s a pleasant task actually. Standing right behind someone you trust, supporting him. If Adam needs Tommy’s help now, he doesn’t even need to ask if Tommy wants to help. For Adam he does everything he can.

“So,” he begins, looking at Adam’s eyes, sharing a look with him and smiling a bit. “Is everything okay, bossman? What brings you here?”

Suddenly Adam’s eyes go sharp, a hint of shock and disapproval in the tense clench of his hands. Tommy stares back at him, losing his own nerve a bit. “Adam? Is anything wrong?” Adam shakes his head and puts the beer on the coffee table.

“No.” He goes for nonchalant. “Everything’s fine… just…” he hesitates.

Tommy cocks his head. “Hmm? What?”

“Just… uh… why did you… did you… call me bossman?”

Tommy frowns in confusion. “Yeah?” Suddenly he gets very uneasy, tensing and sitting straight in his chair, looking shocked, and kinda scared. “You’re my boss anyway... aintcha? What’s the problem then?”

Adam looks at him for a moment, sees the hint of fear in his eyes and kicks himself for making him think he’s getting fired. Immediately he changes tactics and starts laughing, mischievously looking at Tommy and rolling with laughter. Tommy gets the joke and laughs hysterically, raising his foot and kicking Adam lightly on the knee, the slight warmth seeping into Adam’s jeans. “You jerk!”

Adam opens his eyes wide and sticks his tongue out. “You love me!”

Tommy laughs at his silliness. “Oh, fuck I do, don’t I? I love your evil ass, motherfucker.” ~~~~

He nudges him again, warming Adam’s world in just a moment, and suddenly everything is right. Adam feels it completely. He feels the closeness, the bond between them again, the long forgotten intimate aura of breathing in Tommy’s air, living in Tommy’s space. And for the first time since he stepped into this room today, he acknowledges the sense of belonging in himself. He sobers up then, the large smile not leaving his lips yet, looking into Tommy’s gorgeous eyes.

He shuffles closer to Tommy, and tells him, “Nothing’s wrong, man. I’m just here to hang out, okay? I fuckin’ hate to say this, but just like old times? Let’s live them anew so they won’t be old anymore, shall we?” And he winks, still wearing his smirk on his face.

Something lightens Tommy’s mood with those words. His smile grows and he nods in a very casual Tommy-cute way. Adam looks at him, watches the way the pale skin of his neck hides under the black T-shirt frustratingly. His small rough fingers hold the can loosely, while he brings it up and takes a gulp, wetting those lips.

Yep! Tommy IS way more than just a guitarist to him, for sure.

“So whataya wanna do, bossman?”

Adam glares at Tommy childishly and says, “Now I’m your boss, huh?”

Tommy snickers. “It’s not like we don’t know how you get a kick outta hearing that word, Lambert!” And the motherfucker winks.

Adam makes a sound that’s suspiciously very similar to a growl and says, “Not sure about the others, but I guess you have very interesting reasons why you like to call me your boss, kitten. Dontcha?!”

Tommy keeps snickering and says, “Oh yeah. Very interesting. Haha! Now come on, dawg. Tell me what makes you come back to me alone? Is something up?”

Adam looks away slightly. “No... Not really. I just wanted to… I don’t know… hang out?”

“Well that’s no news, Adam; you do hang out a lot, but not with me. Where are Terrance and Johnny? Are they okay?”

Adam looks at him a bit hurt again and admits, “I wanted to hang out with you, TommyJoe. Not them.”

Tommy looks a bit surprised. “Well thank you, really, but that’s… a bit weird Adam. We rarely hang out without others. Why didn’t you call Brian and Ashley or the others? Wanna call them? We can always put on a movie and chill, hmm? Get a little rest from the rush of the concerts, distract ourselves…”

Adam sighs then, taking a sip of his drink, and saying in quiet voice, “No, I mean… I’d like that idea, but I don’t wanna be around others right now.”

Tommy is quiet then, breathing in the silence and obviously thinking, the sound of the wheels turning in his head the only sound in the quiet afternoon of the hotel room. Then he looks up and says, “Ok man, whatever you want. If you want old times, old times we do. Now, are you ready for a round of Velvet Goldmine?”

Adam looks at him and smiles. “You have the CD here? Really?”

“Oh no. Haha. I have it on my laptop. I believe the TV has an HDMI port or something, it should be in …”

“No, thanks. Please, Tommy. Could we just sit here and talk? A bit?”

Tommy looks back at Adam quizzically and nods, taking a sip of his beer again. “Ok man. What is it? I knew when you came here you had something on your mind anyway… you don’t just come to me and knock on my door usually…”

Adam swallows and looks at him then. At his paler than pale skin, and his wavering eyes which betray the strong set of his jaw, the way he wants to look certain and reliable. Adam knows this. Knows _him_. TommyJoe Ratliff is one tough motherfucker. He’s ready for anything. And that’s why Adam’s here. But he can’t bear this intense moment anymore. He stands up and goes to the large arm chair, passing it slightly and going to the window. He opens it, breathes in the crisp air of March in Kiev.

“I… I don’t know myself either."

He lets out the breath, looking out at the abandoned streets of downtown. All his life, he’s been performing for people, getting comfortable with living and rising in front of their eyes. Basking in their attention. But here, where he is going to be himself instead of a mask of an over exaggerated funky character, it feels like everyone has left him alone. It’s only him and Tommy.

Suddenly a rush of nostalgia makes him choke on his next breath. He wants to go back_ back when it wasn’t only Tommy left for him. Tommy was new and fresh, like a beautiful song to be premiered, and his eyes weren’t just a pool of familiar compassion to run to and cling to whenever his miseries closed in on him. Those eyes were lit by the sparks of rapture and anticipation. All the way back to 2009, when life was singing your ass off and smiling at the excited audience afterwards.

When his life was so full, but yet so empty, so full of the enthusiasm and so empty of the adversity of this life. Back, before he fell into this bottomless hole of giving, giving and giving. Where nothing stays the way it always will. Nothing but the crazy circle of concerts, and the flood of interviews and the continuous screams of the fans in his ears. No one stays with him, not even the friends and boyfriends of years, nor the colleagues of years of working in theatre and the music industry. When he turns his head now, he just sees a troupe of his own employees who follow him around, and have become his family.

While he knows after this mini tour and starting the new album he may never see any of them around himself. The same thing that happened with the GlamNation troupe, and American Idol troupe, and Citizen Vein motherfuckers, and the Wicked people, and … and… he feels like he is cursed. Cursed to be lonely, and abandoned. It’s stupid. He knows this. He knows he has his friends, and his glamily, he knows he has a world worth of fans.

But …

He doesn’t have anyone for himself.

No one is his.

No one wants to be _his_ , because he is cursed to travel around the world and get so far from anyone he knows that no one can stay with him.

No one stays with him.

A tear betrays his pride and rolls down his face, wetting his cheek and making his face hot.

“Adam?”

“No one stays with me…”

“Adam–” he hears Tommy rushing to his side and feels him slide their hands together, his breath tickling near his shoulder. “Adam you’re crying–”

“No one stays with me.” He sighs.

Staring at the completely empty city, the empty buildings look like huge skeletons of dead monsters sitting around the abandoned streets. He looks up and glares at the cloudy sky with tear-filled eyes, roaring, “No one wants to be _mine_! The roads to my heart are empty Tommy… so … empty.”

He collapses back then, brushing against Tommy and falling heavily into the arm chair before holding his hands to his face to block the view from his bloodshot eyes. Tommy kneels in front of him, digs his hands in his hair and holds his face in front of himself.

“Adam. What the fuck? You are shaking. Dammit! Tell me who upset you and made such a mess, I’m gonna kick their fuckin’ ass. Look at me. What’s wrong?”

Now maybe is the best time for Tommy’s soothing aroma and soft voice to fill his senses. Except that his voice isn’t soft at all. In fact, it’s angry and loud. Demanding answers and attention. At this very moment, Adam feels like a girl in his embrace, crying his eyes out and hiding himself in his arms. Tommy presses Adam’s face to his own chest and demands again, “Tell me Adam. Just spill and I’ll have their ass handed to them. Tell me. Who didn’t stay? Who doesn’t want you? Did…” Tommy gasps suddenly, pushing Adam’s head and making him look into his eyes with that wet gaze of his. “Sauli? Did …”

Adam shakes his head, looking away. Sauli is not the only one anyway, but Tommy is going to see red of course. Adam knows this. Knew from the beginning. And now that it’s happening, he can’t help admitting to himself that he came here and told Tommy for this. To see his reaction. To assure himself that Tommy is still Tommy, and of course Tommy is angry.

He presses Adam possessively to his own chest, and at the same time standing and climbing in his lap, burying Adam into himself, until no one can tell where Tommy finishes and Adam begins. This is something that only Tommy gives Adam. He always knew Tommy would be on his side, that he can always trust Tommy won’t leave his side until this pain subsides.

In Tommy’s arms he finds out that he made the best decision by coming here. Where could he go anyway? No one would know how he feels, and no one would care enough to do anything productive to help him, and it’s not their fault either. They just can’t.

They will say they’re sorry and wish the best for him but they can’t help. They’re not… they’re not _Tommy_. It’s like Tommy is bigger than this. More powerful than all of his misery. It’s like when Tommy demands everything to be okay, everything should be alright. He thinks it’s because Tommy _is_ larger than his problems, and his loneliness. Tommy is the biggest contrary to his empty feeling.

He looks at Tommy and frowns. He feels so empty inside, but here he has this man in his arms, worrying for him like always, threatening to bring down everything that’s hurting him, unaware of the fact that he is doing that just by being here, not leaving ever.

“You know it’s not Sauli’s fault, right? You know him. It’s just… he is tired of …”

“I know, Adam.”

Adam looks at him a bit taken aback. “You know? What do you know?”

“He’s talked to me about it. About the distance, and his own loneliness, and of how he’s tired of house sitting in a foreign country while you’re gone. He said he is tired, and he didn’t know what to do.”

Adam is dumbfounded. “Really? And when was that?”

“A long time ago… actually, I thought he’d figured it out, but apparently he blew it.”

“Why did he talk to you instead of me?”

“He talked to many instead of you. I was just one of them. He told me he thinks I know you better than anyone, because we’re always attached at the hips or something.” With his sore throat, this last part made Adam snort anyway.

“What? Me and you are attached? What the hell?”

“Well I think he read too many fanfictions.”

“Really?! Fanfictions?”

“You didn’t know?” Tommy smiles at that, his guarded mood lightening a bit. “Well he told me he did, and thought they were not far from the real deal.”

Adam’s eyes go wide. “What? My boyfriend thinks I’m a brutal vampire who’s into S&M?”

Tommy looks at him warily and quietly says, “No, he thinks that you … that you… distance yourself from him because you’re close to me… or …”

Adam stands up, dumping Tommy on the chair. “What the fucking hell?”

Tommy gazes at him carefully, “He said…”

“I don’t wanna know what the hell he has to say. He was … you don’t know anything Tommy, you don’t know what a pain it’s been for me to make him believe I don’t touch anyone when I’m on tour.”

“No! He didn’t doubt you, Adam. He wasn’t suspicious … about … us…”

Adam paced around. “God Tommy, I can’t believe this. It’s so fucking ridiculous. I’ve been bragging on about how stupid some of those crazy girls out there are to think there’s anything but friendship between me and you, we called them fucking delusional! And now my own boyfriend thinks those antics on stage mean shit to me? I’m ashamed of myself. How we upset some of our fans while we had a very delusional Sauli right there.”

Tommy looks away, hurt. And Adam is too worked up right now to get why.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” Like that quiet voice doesn’t sound like an angry shout itself.

Adam goes and sits by him, searching his face. Tommy looks back slowly and starts to speak. “Don’t worry, I told Sauli that those antics don’t mean shit to you…”

Adam goes rigid, a chill running down his spine and a sting in his chest at what he hears in Tommy’s voice. “Tom…Tommy?”

“Listen Adam.”

“No, you listen,” Adam demanded this time around, suddenly aware of everything he’s missed on in the sorry excuse of his life these past three years.

“Sauli didn’t tell you the entire story, did he? And who cares? I don’t anymore. I mean now I see how it is, and I still understand he’s not to blame… not really. It’s me. I know it is. It’s my fucking life not his. Why should he deal with the distance and loneliness that’s a huge part of my life anyway? He doesn’t need this. Doesn’t need _me_. No one needs any one so desperately to throw themselves at them and get swept off their feet, travel half of the planet to another continent to be with them, to be left alone most of the year with a TV and a juicer. No one needs this misery. Why should they wanna stick by me anyway? They all have better places to be. Sauli can find a new boyfriend with more money, and less drama. Why me? Monte can find a bigger name than me, get rid of this old friend and go back to larger tours, larger names, larger fucking venues, larger lives. All of them are like that, aren’t they? Are there going to be any differences? Should I be looking for anything or anyone different anymore? Huh?! What the hell did he mean even? Looking for an excuse to run away by talking to you, telling you about the fanfictions he read about us? God! How desperate am I?! My boyfriend is looking for a scape from me in fan-fucking-fictions, referring to my cray haters about me. What the fuck happened to me?”

“You’re going too far, Adam. He never said he believes them. He never said you cheated.”

“Then what the fuck did he mean talking about those bullshit stories?”

“He … it wasn’t just that. He thought he…” Tommy fidgets a bit, collecting himself and moving a hand in his blonde locks. Adam looks at his nervous behavior.

“Tommy? Did he…?”

“No! It was just his assumptions… and I just denied all of it. Told him that there’s nothing between us really, assured him that we’re just band members. He knew this. He never really accused us, it’s just… he thought there was still something underneath that you never talk about…”

Adam stares, feeling his hands and knees go numb a bit. “What the hell does that mean even? He left just because his stupid instincts told him to?”

Tommy is silent, looking at everything but Adam, thinking how a quiet lazy afternoon turned into this mess. And then looks back at Adam.

“Do you really think _HE_ left _YOU_ , Adam? Cause I feel it was the other way around. You left him… you always left him and traveled…”

“I know, ok? But what could I do? This is my job! You of all people know that I have to do this. I should be out there or soon no one would remember my name anymore. I’m doing my best. I’m trying! I don’t know what to do anymore... I don’t know…”

Sighing, Adam stands up and goes to the couch again, sitting on it, but soon changing his mind and lying down, head propped on a cushion, putting his forearm on his eyes to block the world out.

Tommy looks at him, feeling his own heart beat heavily in his chest. He stands up, goes and brings a comforter from the bed, laying it on Adam’s body, his hand soft where he touches him. Then he goes back to the bed himself, lying down and looking at the ceiling, trying to find answers in it.

Moments pass, the wind stepping into the room from the window and dancing around, teasing Tommy’s hair. The silence is so deep between them that you could imagine the whole world leaving, creating a huge empty space, making two men stay behind in this abandoned side of the world, and think.

Minutes or maybe hours pass before Adam opens his eyes, looking into the empty space of the room. He turns, seeing Tommy lying down on the bed. He goes to him, quietly. Sitting beside him, and watching him turn his head a bit, and look at him with big searching brown eyes. It makes him wanna reach out, like always. He wants to set himself free in this feeling. This sense of never ending trust and acceptance he always finds in those eyes. Like no matter what happens, what he does, where they go, who he becomes, these eyes are going to watch him for the rest of eternity, and look after him.

Suddenly he doesn’t remember why he doesn’t just do that? Take this amazing prize and run for it? He does reach out then, running his hand in the blonde locks scattered on the bed.

“Sorry it wasn’t anything like old times today.” He smiles, bringing his hand down on a pale, warm cheek that feels like the softness of a rose petal on his fingertips.

Tommy closes his eyes with a much smaller, sad smile of his own and whispers, “Except for this…”

Adam’s hand stills and he stares at it. Tommy opens his eyes then, “Are you gonna leave now?” his voice is quiet and dies at the end. Like he swallowed half of his own voice there.

Adam frowns, taking his hand from Tommy’s cheek and looking down, thinking.

“Do you ever feel as lonely as I feel, TommyJoe?”

Tommy raises an eyebrow, and then he bites his lower lip, distracting Adam completely, making him forget what he asked, and says, “I don’t. I… ‘m not alone…”

Adam’s stomach drops. “You’re dating someone?”

Tommy chuckles then. His whole face brightens up with amusement, his cute little teeth showing under his lips when he answers, “Yes, of course. You and I have the same dates actually. And even in the same places. I’m dating your fucking amazing music man. I love it! Next date is tomorrow. We’re gonna make it sooo good honey, just enjoy the ride.”

Adam laughs, falling on the bed beside Tommy, lying next to him, facing him. Then he opens his arms and Tommy bounces onto his body happily, making a chilly, empty afternoon burst with heat and light suddenly. Adam closes himself around him, keeping him right there like the most valuable treasure.

A few silent moments pass, until he speaks again. “It didn’t happen today…the break up… it’s been a few months now, you know?”

“I know. It’s ok… _babyboy_.”

And at that, something completely cracks inside Adam, makes the tears push past his eyes again. He looks down at Tommy and sees it, his beautiful _Glitterbaby_ he had completely forgotten about blinking and looking back at him with a cute childish grin on his face.

“Now you don’t have any excuses for depriving me of your cuddles,” he tells Adam, wiping his eyes with his rough calloused hands. Adam whimpers, shivering under the soft touch, then looks at him silently, a big question hanging in the air between them.

“T-Tommy…?”

“Yeah, Adam?”

“D-did you…” he breathes, looking anywhere but Tommy’s eyes. “D-Did you… believe Sauli?”

Tommy looks at his terrified eyes, his own eyes sharp. Serious. “Adam_ What’s between you and me is ours to specify, he wouldn’t know if there’s really anything underneath or not anyway, we would know. It’s … it’s ours, not his.”

Adam looks horrified, eyes huge and shocked, looking into Tommy’s suddenly. “ _Ours_? So you think he was right? That there is something there and I’m not telling you?”

“I wouldn’t need you to tell me, I would know, Adam.”

“You do?!” Adam breathes out harshly, looking pale. “Do you know? Do you think there is anything?”

Tommy sighs, looking kinda defeated. “Adam, you would know, too. And you know. Is there anything underneath between you and me?”

Adam is caught off guard. Tommy’s not supposed to have any idea about Adam’s feelings for him. Adam’s tried so hard to forget and deny them all that hearing it from the one person who should never know about them makes him feel slapped across the face.

Anger shines in Adam’s intense blue gaze. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, nothing can fix this. He is losing everything he has here, and he can’t. He should hold on. He sits up abruptly, and starts shouting, his face distorted into the deepest frown.

“ N-No! What are you saying? No. There’s not, no.” he is frustrated, doesn’t know what to do, where to lead this stupid conversation. He should’ve never come here. This is hurting him where he can’t get hurt, or he’ll break completely. He gets up, standing like a stone in front of Tommy.

“It’s that bastard’s fault. He put this idea in your head, he… he wanted to get free and didn’t care about anyone or anything but himself. He is a selfish bastard Tommy, don’t believe him. He used those stupid rumors against me to make excuses for himself. He just didn’t love me, and wanted to end it. Fuck! How fucking pathetic am I? I gave him my love, my money, my fame… everything, and he dumped me and tried to destroy my relationship with you. He has no right to do that! He can’t… he can’t ruin everything…” 

Tommy stands up, closing the distance between them, putting his hands softly on Adam’s arms, trying to calm him down.

“Stop accusing him, Adam! It’s not his fault. It’s not those delusionals’ fault either. You see? If there wasn’t anything there they couldn’t make these excuses and rumors at all. You gave him reasons, you and I… we gave them ideas… they just took it and used it for their own good. If there wasn’t anything there, like how … for example why no one talks about you and others? Why Sauli mentioned me, not someone else in the band? Despite that you and I are not that close anymore, but we gave them hints, Adam. We gave them material, to build that delusion…”

Adam swallows, dumbfounded completely, his gaze searching Tommy’s face. “What are you saying?”

Tommy takes a deep breath. “I’m saying that Sauli’s not completely to blame. He loved you. He did house-sit for you. For 2 years he did that. And maybe he could do it forever if he was sure about your love. But Adam…” Tommy looks into his eyes, his expression sincere and caring. “He can’t house-sit your heart. Sauli needed a home for himself in there.”

Adam steps back from him, trembling and feeling kinda numb, desperately trying to keep his stance.

“You… what? … Tommy what do you mean? What are you saying? Do you wanna leave me, too? Are you looking for excuses like the rest of them? Tell me, and make it clear, yeah? I know I’m a piece of shit for you all. Now you’re accusing me of looking for anything but friendship with you, and I think tomorrow I’m gonna read headlines about how I have a crush on my own employee. How accurate!”

Tommy cries out, “No Adam, stop being so fuckin’ insecure! I’m not gonna run away from you. If I wanted to run I would’ve done it years ago. Do you remember 2010? And before? All along, I didn’t give a shit about it. You kissed me on national fuckin’ television, Adam! You took me around the fucking world and repeated it, and did much more than that in every fucking city on this planet. Do you think I had one fuck to give? Guess what? NO! I didn’t give a damn what you did to me cause I fuckin’ loved it, and I would do it all over again if we were in the same situation. Now stop crying like a baby, and man up. It’s been near 4 fuckin’ years man, get your shit together and stop running in circles around me and yourself.” 

Tommy huffs a sigh, and goes and sits on the armchair in front of the window, putting his hands on his face and staring at the empty shell of the city in front of him. Ignoring the trembling man standing in the middle of the room.

Adam is silenced. He doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t have anything to say. He looks around, thinking about every word Tommy just said, gaze blurred and hazy. He can’t conclude the situation at all. The safe world he’s made for himself during all these years feels distant and unreachable now. So he gives up, but he still doesn’t know what he’s lost to exactly. He makes some dizzy steps toward Tommy, and makes a questioning muffled noise. Not able to make words at all.

Tommy’s gaze doesn’t move from the window. Adam’s patience wears thin. He’s so worried and confused; he wants to know what’s gonna happen now. He goes to Tommy, keeping his distance carefully, and whispers, “Do you… are you… what… what’s gonna happen now?”

Tommy turns and looks at him intently, a pitiful smile on his lips. “You didn’t hear me, did you?”

Adam’s eyes widen, and he tries to say something but Tommy silences him.

“Why do I expect anything more even? Why do I wait for you? I waited four years and you didn’t do anything but play. If I didn’t know you, I’d think you just wanna play around, have fun. You don’t wanna take any responsibilities. Because everything you get to have in your life, Mr. Lambert, you need to accept the responsibility for it as well. You can’t just go around and not care what you’re doing to people.”

Adam stares in defeat, then tries to say something again, but Tommy holds up his hands. “Don’t. I know. I know it’s not that. I know you. You do it for me, and for yourself. You’re too afraid of ruining it, to dare to touch it. You’re too much of a perfectionist, to accept what you have is gonna be something fragile, that needs to be cared for a lot. But running from it is not gonna fix anything, Adam.”

Adam stares at him, realizing how stupid he’s been to think Tommy doesn’t see anything, that he won’t know, ever. He wanted to play it cool and deceive him to believe everything is how Adam pretends it to be, but Tommy deceived him, made him believe he doesn’t see anything abnormal in their friendship.

He facepalms inwardly, admitting to himself that Tommy won another battle over him. Like always, after every time he loses, he falls more for him.

He takes a few steps back, hanging his head low a bit, and with a shaky breath whispers, “ ’m sorry… I…”

“It’s ok, whatever. Just stop this bullshit denial Adam, ok?” Tommy turns to the window then, not caring about the complicated situation Adam is in, and says, “The quiet afternoon you ruined has become a nice evening, wanna go out for a walk around the city?”

Adam gives him a surprised and puzzled look, but nods anyway, suddenly the idea of getting outta here is very much cool with him actually.

Tommy grabs a black hoodie and pulls it on, his thin body drowning in the big cloth. He shuts the door, and they go down to the lobby after that, keeping the distance between them as small as possible. The lobby is completely empty, like everywhere else. Looks like all human beings have abandoned them. They don’t even notice it, too wrapped around their own thoughts to care. When they step into the street though, Tommy takes advantage of the lack of eyes around them, and steps close to Adam, putting his arms around his and smiling, changing the sparks lighting up in Adam’s body to full explosive volcanoes.

Adam swallows, his body rigid with apprehension, as he walks with Tommy to a small Park on the side of the street, the smell of the fresh spring dancing in the air around the green trees.

Tommy stops then, looking at him, with that bored smile on his face. “What is it?”

Adam looks at him, eyes wide, “What? N-nothing…” He trials off.

“Adam, stop being such a chicken shit. I told you I basically know everything you’re hiding. And I’m still here.” Tommy’s gaze is tired as he stands there and looks at Adam, when suddenly Adam starts speaking forcefully.

“I’m not a chicken shit, I’m afraid of what’s gonna happen to you. I’m concerned for you. I don’t know how you’re gonna deal with knowing your boss is… is…”

Tommy keeps looking at him the same way while he speaks in a monotone voice “See? Chicken shit. You can’t even say it. And by the way I thought we talked about the boss thing a few hours ago. Do you still feel bossy with me?”

Adam looks at him deeply, taking in the delicate features of Tommy’s pretty feminine face, the blonde hair dancing in the spring breeze. The small frame hugged loosely by casual clothing. And he suddenly finds himself envying all the clothes Tommy wears. A strong forgotten feeling of longing comes back to his heart, and makes it swell.

“No…”

Tommy doesn’t understand how a tall powerful creature, who’s been able to do many impossible things in his life, has come to the point where he’s shaking like a leaf.

In every other aspect of life, Adam is always so fearless, ready to do anything, if he feels it’s the right thing to do. But here in front of his own friend, he seems clueless. He is obviously very frightened. Tommy needs to reassure him again. He doesn’t know when this game of cat and mouse is gonna finish.

He steps closer, takes Adam’s cold hand in his, and guides him back, sitting on a bench with him. There’s a pear tree full of bright white and pink blossoms standing right above them, the last rays of sunlight peeking through its big outstretched branches, kissing Adam’s white freckly skin.

Tommy wants to know what’s on Adam’s mind. He wants Adam to respond to him somehow, cause since he opened up and spilled the beans, Adam’s been very quiet. Tommy doesn’t know what to make of that. Maybe Adam’s regretting things. Tommy doesn’t wanna think about that at all.

“Do you even _feel_ anything for me?” he blurts out, shocking Adam and himself a bit.

Adam hesitates, but quickly makes himself answer properly. “Of course, Tommy, I feel … I mean you’re my friend. I …” he looks helplessly at Tommy. He’s dying here really. “Shit! What am I doing Tommy? Tell me what should I do? How should I behave now? What should I say? I don’t know what this is…” he gestures to Tommy and himself “What is it? I never knew really, and I’m scared. Yeah I think I am a chicken shit. I don’t know what to do, Tommy. I don’t wanna lose you…” he is begging, and it hurts.

Tommy scoots near him and whispers, “Shh, it’s ok, you don’t need to feel like you’re losing anything. You’re alright.” He puts his arm around Adam’s shoulders, and starts talking to him quietly.

“Remember GlamNation?” he smiles. “Do you remember how you used to lecture people back then? That they shouldn’t apologize for who they are, and they should express themselves, be free? Hmm? No more hiding. Don’t be afraid of what’s inside? What was that about? What did you mean? Do you even remember how it was? God Adam you’ve changed so much, sometimes I think that Adam is so different from this one here, that he kinda vanished, and you appeared. Don’t get me wrong, I still think you’re amazing. But… what happened to that side of you?”

Adam takes a deep breath, the warm press of Tommy’s body the only thing he’s focusing on, to hold onto the present time, and not panic. “What do you mean what happened? I’m still me. That’s me. I just got over the glitter and the emo hair and… yeah… maybe I had to tune it down a bit, but I’m still singing and talking about the same message. Have you heard Trespassing?”

“Ha! Not funny dude. Not funny at all.” Tommy pulls his arm from Adam, and sits by his side, still pressing into him, looking around the empty park, paying attention for the first time, and wondering where’s everyone in the city? But something on his mind is still bothering him, it makes him forget about everything else and blurt again. “Then why don’t you kiss me anymore? Was I like your glam and glitter? You got over me too?” He’s not sounding hurt, he tells himself. He’s _JUST_ curious.

Adam bolts then, sitting up and turning his body to glare at Tommy. “No! No. It’s… not like that, really, it’s… you… you were _straight_ … so…”

Tommy snorts at that. “Oh, Come on! I’m not one of your cray fans. I’m the one you’re talking about. I know myself, and you know me, too. You know I don’t give a shit about labels…”

“But you give a shit about Gender. Don’t you? Tell me what I should’ve done? What am I supposed to do now? Yeah it’s been 4 years and I’m pathetically still standing on the very first step. I haven’t moved on yet. But I should. It’s not like you’re gonna open your eyes one day and suddenly feel like you’re into men. I had to get over it. And I tried. But I think I’m too much of a girl to forget…” Adam swallows, willing himself to say it this time. “… the person I fell for…and yeah I’m sorry I was a chicken shit, I should’ve told you. I know now that you don’t care, I didn’t know this, I thought telling you about my feelings may bother you a lot, it’s better not mentioned at all , and I still don’t get why we’re talking about this… it won’t do any good. Yeah I know I messed up, I shouldn’t have played with Sauli’s feelings like that, but can you blame me?” He’s panting now, looking at Tommy with huge miserable eyes. “It was about a year after I first met you when I decided I wanna experience something new with someone else, I couldn’t stay single and desperate anymore. I wanted to get over that stupid crush on a straight boy, who is my friend and band member, not to mention my own employee. I couldn’t stand that anymore…”

He sighs, hesitating, before he continues. “Except… that it wasn’t just a crush. I didn’t know this back then… but I know now… and it’s too late, I have no right to try and fix this mess, but I have every right to be afraid. Don’t judge me Tommy.” he stares at him for a couple minutes, thinking about how far he’s come today. “I lost my boyfriend recently,… don’t judge me for being afraid of losing my friend … my … my…”

He swallows again, so frustrated he can’t contain himself any more. “Fuck, I love you! I-I’m in love with you, Tommy! Okay?” he blurts. “Is that enough? Did you want this? For me to say it? Are you happy and satisfied now? Yes! I’m a pathetic gay man who falls in love with a straight guy at the age of 27, remember 27, not 14. And can’t get over it even in 4 fuckin’ years, and he’s still desperately in love. He lied to everyone, including all of his fans around the world, because he’s a stupid chicken shit who can’t get his shit together. Yes! Judge me, man. Look at me! See how fucking damaged I am in the head. Do whatever you wanna do now. Go tell everybody what a miserable motherfucker I am. I don’t care! I’m still the same person! I’m the one who said show yourself and don’t care what they say and what they think. Don’t give a fuck. And I still don’t have even one fuck to give, Tommy! I’m done.”   

He stands then, struggling and fighting with himself to take the steps and leave Tommy forever. But he’s not ready for this. His heart doesn’t let him move at all.

Tommy is staring at him in awe, finding himself unable to move at all too. It’s his turn to feel a bit dumbfounded now. Then Adam makes the first step away from him, and he is suddenly standing up and pushing into Adam’s space.

He grabs his shoulders and holds him by the material of his jacket clenched in his fist, looking into his face. Adam is still panting and shaking from his outburst. Head hung low and refusing to look up. Tommy guides him back and makes him sit again. Not letting go at all. When they sit, his hands trail down to Adam’s forearms and cling to him.

“Adam…”

Nothing.

“Adam! Look at me… honey.” He reaches up, palming Adam’s face and making him look up in his eyes. Adam’s cheeks are hot with a deep blush, in his eyes rich blobs of tears dancing, and he whimpers, looking into Tommy’s eyes, letting go, his tears sparkling and splattering around his eyes. He opens his mouth and mumbles “S-Sorry… I’m sorry T-Tommhh-”

“Shh, don’t man. Look at you. Big boy. Who was talking about not giving a fuck huh? Not making any apologies, yeah? It’s okay, baby.” Then he puts Adam’s head on his shoulders, rubbing his back soothingly. “It really is okay. This has nothing to do with anyone. Right? It’s no one’s business but yours and mine. And you know what? I don’t give a fuck either!” He pushes Adam back then, touching his cheeks, wiping his hot tears with his soft fingers. “I don’t give a fuck what they say, they can think I’ve lost my mind. That you’ve turned me or whatever. They don’t know anything anyway, they can’t know, because they don’t understand. We’re not gonna let anyone ruin our life.”

Adam stares at him, sniffing but shocked. “What Tommy?!” he is utterly confused.

Tommy smiles a little, now caressing Adam’s face gingerly, massaging his hairline lovingly. “I don’t know myself either,” he whispers apologetically, and chuckles a bit. “Just… I don’t know… I mean who has cared for me like this ever? Huh? It’s been four fucking years now and I really don’t have anyone beside you. I mean…” He looks away for a moment. “You know how I still hook up with Liz sometimes, hah. It’s fuckin’ ridiculous, ain’t it?”

Adam looks at him seriously, a bit angered and still very confused.

“Oh I know…” Tommy chuckles again, “I know how you feel about my relationship with her, trust me, I haven’t missed the looks you give her when we hang out. But it really is ridiculous man. “

“I don’t give her any kinda looks, I’m completely okay with your relationship with her, Tommy, you don’t need to feel bad about…”

Tommy laughs, interrupting him. “No, oh hell no, Adam I don’t feel bad and I don’t have any kinda serious relationship with her. I’m rarely there to see her. I’m saying I really even don’t have her. I don’t have anyone… but _you_ …”

“But you just said…”

“Adam.” Tommy takes Adam’s hand in his and continues. “What I’m trying to say is that I have, and I’ve had many people in my life for this.” he puts Adam’s hand gingerly on his groin.

Adam’s mouth falls open, but he goes frigid. Not daring to move his fingers or press at all, he just keeps still. “But it’s been a very long time since I’ve had anyone for this.” Tommy pulls his hand again, and puts it on his heart, and Adam gasps, feeling the heavy beat of a drum set in Tommy’s chest.

“Do you feel it? Cause I sure do.” Tommy looks at him, his eyes calm and open, like a wide ocean under the sun. “I’ve been feeling it for 4 years now. And I think I’ve had enough of chasing around myself too. Just because I’m not very familiar with life and relationships with a man, doesn’t mean I should ignore my feelings. You see? You’re not alone in this. If you think people are gonna think you’re a freak, they would see us both in it. They should think I’m a freak too then. Like how when those bastards from the Westboro wanted to stop you, they called me the devil’s child too! Like when extremist Muslims in Malaysia couldn’t handle you, they held up our poster, it was a photo of us kissing in Japan. Not just your face. It’s gonna be like that again this time too. Haters are gonna hate. And again I’m gonna be there with you.” He hesitates, leaning forward and looking deep in Adam’s eyes. “I wanna be there with you. I like to be with you, I wanna be near you, Adam… I … You… there is still someone who wants to be yours. I wanna be yours. I wanna stay with you.” They stare at each other for a few moments, blinking. Adam’s wet lashes sticking together still.

That’s when a cute little princess walks up to them, and startles them both.

“Hey! Welcome to Kiev, Adam. Welcome to Kiev, Tommy. It was about time you came around.”

They both look at the small girl, who is smiling at them the biggest brightest Ukrainian smile ever. She is wearing a deep scarlet dress, her blonde hair falling on her shoulders in curls. Her eyes a light warm green, sparkling in the sunlight. She steps closer then, bringing her hands from her back.

There are three red roses in her hands.

She hands one of them to Adam, smiling innocently, and then gives another one to Tommy. Then she grabs the last rose with her little hand, and cuts the petals off.

Adam and Tommy stare in awe, as she pours the petals on both their heads lovingly and says with her cute accent. “Thank you for the love, it’s what wakes us up, and moves our life.”

Adam and Tommy look around and notice people starting to come around. Men opening the stores, and women stepping out of their houses, holding children’s hands. Kids running about, and elderlies coming to sit under the warm sun. Everyone looks at them, and smiles, like they all know who they are, and they like them. Approve of them. There’s no judgment in their friendly gazes.

The little girl waves as she runs off, joining a group of other kids nearby, smiling and showing them to her friends. They’re all so cute, so happy, that one can’t remember any worries when they look at them.

Adam turns back to Tommy then, lashes dried and a small curve on his lips, as he reaches up and pulls out a deep red rose petal that’s still clinging to Tommy’s hair, looking into his gorgeous eyes, falling deeper than ever. “I… can’t believe this… I don’t know what’s going on even, what are we gonna do now? Are we… uh…”

Tommy stares at him, laughing at his confusion, and hugs him tightly. His face is inches from Adam’s as he says, “Yes we are, sweetie. We’ve been for a long time now. And we won’t fight it anymore. It doesn’t matter that we don’t know what we’re doing. Love knows what she’s doing.”

He looks up at Adam’s glassy blue eyes briefly, then down at his lips as he leans closer. “I love you too, Adam.”

He kisses him, breaking down the dam, and falling into his body. His lips are sweet and his mind is fresh. They move in sync, like a bird’s two wings flying in the sky; they know what they’re doing. They’ve been standing here their whole lives.

What’s been underneath, wakes up, and lives.


End file.
